New rules

This was an email from my friend Janet...she's a riot....and these new rules are right on the mark!


New rule: stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
• New rule: ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows:
do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
• New rule: there's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this stuff at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some vodka/scotch/gin over ice and let it melt. that's your flavored water.
• New rule: stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the social security crisis.
• New rule: the more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-low and one Nutrasweet," ooooohhhhhh, you're a huge jerk!
• New rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my pin number, pressing "enter", verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back and pressing "enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my almond joy.
• New rule: I don't need a bigger mega M & M. If I'm extra hungry for M & M's, I'll go nuts and eat two.
• New rule: no more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
• New rule: and this one is long overdue: no more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands!
• New rule: when I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 months." "he's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
• New rule: just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above your butt. and it translates to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to god you weren't pregnant. you're not spiritual. You're just high